My almost 15 year old miniature schnauzer loves lounging in her cousins big doggy bed!
It feels weird posting after months of inactivity but Roxy, pictured adorably above, has given me the confidence to start typing again. I don’t know how often it will be but I figured a response to a Daily Post prompt was a good way to get back on the proverbial horse.
I’m not gonna lie, it has been tough year. My self-esteem has spiraled up and down, as well as my confidence; confidence in my body, intelligence, and just confidence that I belong on this earth… Fortunately, I was able to come home for about a month and refill my lungs with good ol’ Miami air. I realized how much I missed my family and support system. I really missed my poochie, even though she is not a big snuggler and is very independent, having her around makes me feel better. I am saddened by her rapid aging–well if feels rapid to me because I’ve been gone for a year–and how fragile she seems. But she is definitely strong in her own way and her strength inspires me!!
I am back in Gainesville. Meh.
Costa Rica was super amazing and educational. But honestly, I don’t want to talk about it right now. What’s really on my mind is emotions, I guess. I am all over the place. I stopped taking my medication a while ago without doctor supervision and I am starting to think that was a bad idea. Surprise surprise, I know. It’s just that…I’m supposed to be the strong one in the family. I am not supposed to break down, I’m supposed to help others through their breakdowns…. I hate feeling this way. Like I’m gonna implode any second, that none of my friends are real, that I’m so unhappy that I just want to d–.
I can’t write that out. I can barely think it.
And then when people ask my why I am so unhappy I can’t find words to describe. There aren’t really concrete easy to understand reasons. It’s just an overwhelming sadness that envelops me. I’m not always like that though. It does come and go but it comes more than it goes. I am thinking about starting up on my medication again just at a lower dose than before. I don’t know. Writing this out kinda helps.
Anyway, I’ll do a Costa Rica debriefing post later. It really was a great trip!
I’m going home today! I cannot wait. Unfortunately, I am stuck in a class for two more hours before I can hit the road for a short six-hour drive to Miami! Ah, I can’t wait breathe that Miami air. Seriously though, the air in Miami is just nicer to me. It flows better into my lungs, a slight ocean vibe in every breeze, no matter where you are. Some do not agree, saying that there is no sea breeze unless you are in South Beach, but I think they are wrong. Especially when you spend months in a place hours away from the ocean…Yeah yeah yeah, I know. some people are states away from the ocean but it’s all relative! I grew up being minutes away (not including traffic, but still).
The only issue about this break though is I will only be in Miami for one day. However, the rest of the week will be in Costa Rica so I think it’s an ok trade. I’m going all over Costa for a study abroad trip with the bestie: volcanoes, springs, forests, plantations, zip lining etc. I am getting nervous though and I am angry about my airline choice (I don’t wanna name any names…but it’s the same as a Dreamworks movie about a horse voiced by Matt Damon). We chose them because their ticket was the cheapest but now they are charging extra for everything! UGH. Oh well, never again. You live and you learn. Anyway, I wish I could post during the trip but Wi-Fi access will be few and far between so I will be going back to the good ol’ pen and notebook!
Wish me luck!
How do I do this?
How do I write a blog?
I’m torn between feelings of excitement and impending doom. I have toyed with starting a blog, such a fashion statement nowadays, but have never truly committed. Well, “why now? Why this sperm?” (Legally Blonde) Truth is, I’m sad (hard to believe after that ever-so-clever quotation, I know). But seriously. I moved away from home recently into what has turned out to be a startlingly different environment, and I am having a lot of trouble coping. The cliché things have happened to me: homesick, weight gain, confusion. But recently it has been changing: I am no longer sad occasionally, I am sad all the time. It takes enormous amounts of effort to get out of bed and go to class. I keep getting these sinking feelings that my friends all just tolerate me and truly wish I was gone. Even my boyfriend has mentioned my emotional turn for the worse. This weekend I had a sort of cathartic moment with him on the way to a friend’s house after watching Manchester by the Sea (incidentally, it’s a must see. I’ll elaborate on a movie review blog). All of my pent-up emotions poured out, literally and figuratively. I don’t feel whole, I don’t feel like I am me. I am an English major who doesn’t write or read anymore. I have a passion for movies but recently have consistently fallen asleep during all of them! I love the ocean and sailing but live inland surrounded by trees and no horizon. Where am I? Where did I go? It is here, on this blog, that I hope to find my way back. I sincerely hope this blog will be a constant that I can count on, a prevalence in my life and yours, if you’re out there.